I attended my first Death Cafe last fall, not knowing what to expect. Do people really gather in cafes around the world to talk about death and mortality⏤over tea and cake?
The whole concept of something called a “death cafe” just seemed to me to trivialize death and grief. Couldn’t they have called it something else? I was deep in my own grief after the tragic, and unexpected, passing of my sister. I can’t even recall where I first heard of these, but I read up and found one was happening in my town. I discovered death cafes are social groups that gather with no agenda, no speakers, no topics…other than death and mortality. The only real rules set out by the founders in the United Kingdom are that tea and cake be served (some bend this rule a bit). The purpose is to “to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives.”
Death cafes are not set up to be grief groups, which was fine because I wasn’t looking for that. My spiritual beliefs and kindreds provide me comfort there. I wanted to talk about my sister and her tragic end. I wanted to talk about the feeling of peace I had knowing she was where she wanted to be. I wanted to talk about her and my stepfather passing alone…as I believe that was their choice to do so. I wanted to talk about the infinity symbol and the message my beloved stepfather sent me when he chose to die on the morning of my 8th wedding anniversary. These were conversations about much more than my grief. They were about mortality⏤and immortality⏤and how we deal with it.
I was welcomed by one of the warmest souls I’ve ever met, Patti DiMiceli. Patti has a remarkable story about her 4-year old daughter Amber’s passing in 1980 and how she changed her life in miraculous ways. She created the safest space that night, along with four or five others, mostly death doulas. The conversation that night, and every time I’ve since attended, has uplifted me, deepened me, calmed me, enlightened me, and often made me laugh.
In America, we are taught that death is a trauma to be avoided, when in actuality, it is the outcome of our lives. My own thinking that the term “death cafe” trivialized it showed me how ingrained this concept was in me. It is a stigma we, practitioners in the Death Positive Movement, are working to change because embracing death allows us to fully live with reverence in every moment.
There has never been a more profound time in our lives than now to talk about death and dying. I encourage you to seek out a Death Cafe in your area. We are here to talk and provide a calming presence: www.deathcafe.com
The Annapolis Death Cafe will meet via Zoom on Wednesday, May 20, 2020 from 6:30pm to 8:30pm.
Online event can be found on Meet Up or EmbracetheAngel.com